I miss you a bit.

I forgot what it was like. I am sad you're gone, but maybe I'm sad because you didn't seem like you were going to miss me and that made me sad... I generally have not felt intense emotions besides love or frustration regarding you. Even then, the love was gentle and not strong. I wanted you to give me a big hug and tell me you'd miss me but instead you blamed the fact you were leaving on your bad mood and left... At least you sent one last message before disappearing from cell phone reception :(. I do love you. The things I share with you still feel really right. I don't know if it's because it is all I know, but I do know that I don't tire of holding your hand or the feeling of receiving a hug from you. The comfort that comes with seemingly fitting perfectly there is immense. Your hands are big and mine are small but this seems to make them fit all the better, too. Kisses are nice as well, they seem right. Ugh, what are all of these feelings doing? I don't think I want to commit, yet I do because the reprocussions of not doing so seem so great (as in massive, not good) - such as missing you, wanting you, not having you, the loss of a piece of who I am. I don't want to do anything yet. Wait for the Summer, I think. I will wait for the time I know you will be freed of the life-destroyer which is school (for you, obviously, not I). Maybe then you will bounce back now that I'm putting myself out there for you. I'm two different people. One of me wants you always and the other wants you but wants you after I know that that is for sure what I want. "You can't flog a dead horse" - how unpleasant, but is our relationship actually at that point? I don't think that it has died and we are trying to pump life into it... I think that we are just not on the same page. Or maybe that is the same thing - I don't know! Also, I am unable to tell what actually tempts this "other" me to want to explore. Is it simply that things aren't the same, can't be (or so this me feels), so I seek untied freedom? Or is it you? Part of it is, it branches off from here again though: Is it you simply for that reason, or is it you because you show me what I can't have but would like to have? Which in this instance wouldn't be you, but the freedom. In any case, I will not talk to you for some time. On Monday night we'll see how things go. Hopefully "Treehouse" the squirrel will keep you in good company while you endure your family for five days. I'm sure it will not be dreadful, try to live a little with them, they aren't awful.