As unimpressed as it makes me, I feel bad that you guys might not grow out of your "reckless" days and will eventually grow to have failing livers and become hopelessly dependent.

Good good good.

You made part of your weekend fun and different. Or rather someone else did but at least you were involved. I feel a bit better now. One more night and day to get through.

You were once happy with nothing like that. It infuriates me to remember what you said.


[Mobile]

I hope for a quiet week. Weekend might be crowded. A quiet day tomorrow, too.

You go, girl. xD

Try to look beyond the hesitation you've created... Maybe you won't mind.
Today was nice, you are suddenly becoming much happier, and you gave me a pretend flower. :)
Hopefully I either figure out how to get beyond this or I do something else about it.

I enjoy you! I'm glad to be friends.

Maybe I can survive this if I stop thinking and start doing.

Ha-ha. Good luck with that, Katie!

I had a nice day for the most part. Another rainbow of emotions to deal with, though. I was happy to be able to take pictures in the warmer weather. I kind of feel like being by myself for the rest of the week. Maybe after tomorrow I'll get on that.


[Mobile]

Katie...

Just relax!

You are more than capable of being perfectly fine in a situation that is perfectly happy. Switching back to first person, I think that what I don't want is to have stuff pointed out anymore. No more comparing what was to what is. I'm living in the now and going with how I feel. If how I feel is innocent and I need to get through that, then I really think it would be easier if you just let me. What I'm doing, or not doing, is not in any way indicating that I care any less. You might have had your breakthrough and then expected things to be normal - it did not happen that way for me, you must realize this. Yes, two people can be happy together forever but I don't want to say that my future holds you in it as my partner when that hope, feeling, knowledge was smothered by a rainbow of weird emotions constantly messing with me. It was frustrating and I opened my eyes to the possibility of sharing my life with other people. I'm scared for what you'll do when I go to university, because you'll go to a school for music and I'll go for my degrees - they'll probably be different schools... Pictures of us show what happiness can look like for two people in love, though; so I will try to focus on that for now.
The fact I suddenly want to cry a bit is what I believe to be the result of this project, and everything I just typed out, and the fact that you are coming back and I fear that things will not go as you hope and you'll become depressy again.
Life is good, though. Life will go on.

Reminders that I have forgotten to say aloud lately:

• I am a good person.
• I will be successful in whatever I do.
• The sound of people eating is no reason to be furious.

The last one is the one I really need to work on.

How do you do a strikethrough on here?

Dagnabbit! It would be today, the only day in so long that I forget my phone at home, that you would be in a cell phone reception area and send me messages to say you love me -.-. It is unlike you as it is to sound so jolly, maybe things will turn around, at least until you come back to school. :P

I miss you a bit.

I forgot what it was like. I am sad you're gone, but maybe I'm sad because you didn't seem like you were going to miss me and that made me sad... I generally have not felt intense emotions besides love or frustration regarding you. Even then, the love was gentle and not strong. I wanted you to give me a big hug and tell me you'd miss me but instead you blamed the fact you were leaving on your bad mood and left... At least you sent one last message before disappearing from cell phone reception :(. I do love you. The things I share with you still feel really right. I don't know if it's because it is all I know, but I do know that I don't tire of holding your hand or the feeling of receiving a hug from you. The comfort that comes with seemingly fitting perfectly there is immense. Your hands are big and mine are small but this seems to make them fit all the better, too. Kisses are nice as well, they seem right. Ugh, what are all of these feelings doing? I don't think I want to commit, yet I do because the reprocussions of not doing so seem so great (as in massive, not good) - such as missing you, wanting you, not having you, the loss of a piece of who I am. I don't want to do anything yet. Wait for the Summer, I think. I will wait for the time I know you will be freed of the life-destroyer which is school (for you, obviously, not I). Maybe then you will bounce back now that I'm putting myself out there for you. I'm two different people. One of me wants you always and the other wants you but wants you after I know that that is for sure what I want. "You can't flog a dead horse" - how unpleasant, but is our relationship actually at that point? I don't think that it has died and we are trying to pump life into it... I think that we are just not on the same page. Or maybe that is the same thing - I don't know! Also, I am unable to tell what actually tempts this "other" me to want to explore. Is it simply that things aren't the same, can't be (or so this me feels), so I seek untied freedom? Or is it you? Part of it is, it branches off from here again though: Is it you simply for that reason, or is it you because you show me what I can't have but would like to have? Which in this instance wouldn't be you, but the freedom. In any case, I will not talk to you for some time. On Monday night we'll see how things go. Hopefully "Treehouse" the squirrel will keep you in good company while you endure your family for five days. I'm sure it will not be dreadful, try to live a little with them, they aren't awful.

If you ask:

Do you (still) love me? I will say Yes. Of course.
Do you want to be with me? I will say Yes.
As much as before? I will be frustrated with myself, and say Yes. I have always loved you.
Do you fully believe that we will last forever? I will say Forever is a long way away, let's just believe we are here and we are now because counting on forever is counting on something we can't ever know for sure. All I know now is that I love you and maybe I seem different but I'm trying to find myself and explore the world and maybe this is a problem but it feels right and I want to do it happily. I want you to do it happily, too.

Whew, pretty melodramatic there, Katie. It is truth, though - I will say this.

Dear You,

I act weird and perhaps this is just dramatic but when I think of us apart I really don't imagine myself feeling complete. I love you lots and you're very important to me. I just want you to show emotion, show that some things matter, be the You who loves life. You aren't depressing I just know there's a lot more You to love than what you're showing <3:).

Sincerely, Scattered amd Loving.


[Mobile]

I hope you're okay.

Testing...


[Mobile]

Campaigning begins tomorrow :).

Good luck to all of you who are running.

Yahoo, another one bites the dust. It was fun having you around I guess.

I LOVE SHLEBU'S KITTEN.

Samantha I am super sorry for my failure to make phone calls work. I like when you call me so don't stop just because I am bad at it. Unless it's out of control. :P


[Mobile]

Just because it doesn't feel okay doesn't mean it won't be eventually.


[Mobile]

Dagnabbit, up past 11 again. I'll regret it later. How I wish I could become sleepy around 10:30 instead and not feel this light sense of abandonment until only now when the tiredness strikes.

I love you, speaking to you in different locations and communicating with you in different ways confuses me. Your tone seems to change, but I should not judge entirely based on text I can only see and read.

Thanks for that... No other reason? That makes me happy.

Happy Mother's Day :)

I wonder what is happening.

I don't feel I am doing any sort of lying to myself.
"I can't convince myself that I care any less than I did."
It's something I can debate, but I think I am truthful.
If it is anything, I think it would be caring "differently"?
I like being able to look into my mind and see sun and
happiness when I consider you and I. :) We work well.
Together, we can say and do weird things that others
might not find as amusing. Maybe, but it is more special
when it is just us. XD Anyways, for the time being, all
I shall say is I love you and we need to get this project done. :D

I'm glad you are home. :)

Not being dramatic, just a thought.

I wonder what our graduation will be like. I can't imagine going... The thought of it seems so surreal, and then shortly thereafter high school will be over. I am scacred that I'll lose what I have, but I don't think I will if I can manage to become better at keeping in touch.

I wonder what would have happened if we had danced.

Yo.

The thought of that made me very sad on the inside... xD

Funny, feeling trapped by happiness seems like a weird thought. :P
I don't think I feel trapped, I think I just feel that I'm being sheltered from something I should experience. Though, I no longer feel that there is anything for me to immediately.

• You are good to me almost all of the time. It is nice. I am comfortable and happy with how we are but sometimes I feel less inclined to be all intense and I prefer to live innocently and as though it is Summer time. Summer time makes things feel better. When EVER I imagine us, I imagine green grass, trees, blue sky and intense sunshine. Honestly.
• Sometimes I feel off but we are purdy wicked as a team...
• I hope that everything is okay, because your fluctuations are kind of out there.
• I'm glad that she tells me that I'm more than what you make me out to be, because you show her all of the time and I receive only laughs at my expense. I don't mind, but the lack of otherness is kind of blah. :P

What's the point in doing that?

Anger isn't necessary. I don't expect much anymore.
I am in a weird mood. I can feel the burning tear sensation, why though?
At least you said you're my friend. Beyond that phrase, I guess we'll see what's true. Blech!
Mixed signals? What about your ever-changing happiness depending on whether you're at school or not? School is very important to me. No, you won't need to know all of it, but deal with it. You'll appreciate it I'm sure. Not just you, either.
If I confuse you more and more, what does that mean? You're not any less content with me, yet you don't seem to enjoy the bafflement I bring with me. Please explain xD. For I am frustrated with lingering fog.

Blah. I miss you.

I am not downish because you're gone, I just feel... Ugh.
It's not completely unknown as to why either, which is nice.
Currently, I feel out of touch. The weekend has made me feel
out of it. Going back tomorrow will be nice. I can work on the
project, I can get the trial over with, I can find out from my
teachers what work I might be missing if I go camping.
Friday will probably be fun. I look forward to that.
I need to keep the fact strong in my mind that I
am not responsible for everyone's happiness.
Mostly by everyone, I refer to you alone.
The guilt I feel for being unavailable
should not be there. If our love is
good then you'll just be happy
knowing we will soon see
each other. Right? Yes.
I'm off now. Adios.