I keep feeling callous to the entire thing, and then I have these moments where I recognize that I'm hurting over you and I miss you and if you keep pulling me towards this cycle then I'm going to have to demand change. If you want me, please deal with it properly and quit this game you're playing with my head.

I am hungering for some affection. Please provide me with some when I arrive. Please.

I do not know what you are doing or thinking, but I am certain that I would like to kiss you - so long as we are being honest.

Also, I still find that I'm quite fond of your endearing characteristics, but it'll just be something that is lost with time, I suppose.

School will be done soon, hurrah!

People to see! Friends to love!

I just want to grab you and kiss you. Dreams do not suffice.

The summer will be so exciting and I'll get to see my friends again!

I will also miss a few people a lot.

Seeing her face makes me feel something that resembles fear or sadness, I do not like it.

What has happened has happened and that can't be changed, and that is okay and I need to remind myself of that more often.

She is just a person.

Oh my goodness.

I feel immensely compelled to burn this energy but also still very afraid of that little thing I've been avoiding for a couple of years.

Oh my gosh, I haven't had a wave of this in a long time. It isn't emotional at all, aside from some subsequent frustration. I just really want you. If we are going to be honest. Or something. Ah!

Maybe I'm stuck because I opened myself up, and I decided not to be scared, and it's hard to imagine that it could not work when I was given so much reason to believe otherwise.

I'm much happier but it still pains me to think about. I am happy, just really wishing I could get that little bonus. I'll keep working on me, though, before I work on other people and me. And you, please, I care about you a lot and I hope this is just a phase because nothing can happen. I hate saying that because it seems reasonable from my perspective but then, that could be YOUR perspective as well. I just have this inkling that it isn't entirely your perspective. Maybe I'm wrong. But I wasn't before.

Gah. What I really just need, or want, is to make myself the thing you can't stop contemplating.

I am curious but I've been happier not asking about that.

Now you wonder what I was talking about.

I wonder if considering what it

might be bothers you.

You said one day you'd be mentally ready to take the next step. That was before. I believe your feelings were real. Some way or another they were.

Looking at those was a bad idea.

Oops.

I don't know what happened, I think so much happened that I pushed the good feelings away so now I have feelings towards you that are only friendly.

I think if I was unwise enough to sacrifice my safety for someone in your position once... I will probably be unwise enough to wait around against my own will for the slim chance that you change your mind, because I simply can't wrap my head around the fact that you couldn't consider later on when you said everything you already did.

How do I go about this..

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaahhhhhh!!!!

Was that just a one day thing? Oh well. It doesn't matter. Let it go, Katie. He might not want anything anymore.

I have recently developed a much more intense sense of appreciation for you two. I do not know where it came from, but I am happy that I love my two best friends extra dearly as of late!

My mom being sad so much makes it seem like she doesn't want to talk to me ever, but I can forgive her even if it makes me kind of upset.

There's this little issue I have, where I really really care about you, but I am too scared of doing anything so I'll continue making myself silently suffer through it while toying with the idea of moving on and confusing myself further. I do not know what to do because I no longer know what you are thinking - at least in regards to me. I'm so terrified of commitment, I do not know if that means I need to push past it or if I need to acknowledge it and wait until the fear subsides. I think if I waited and it actually subsided then I'd realize there was a good reason for it going away.. But what if it doesn't. I like you a lot. Even if you're really weird and irksome a lot of the time. It's only a matter of time before I tell you I love you completely by accident and then crumple into an awkward heap. XD

Oh my gosh. I don't know what to do if you try to make a move again. Well really, I do know what to do, it is to explain to you what I am feeling. Easier said than done... Not really. I need to just do it... I love you, butttt I just can't push past this barrier I've put up against you.

I would benefit from a weekend of spa treatment, I think.

I am not sure that this is over yet and I no longer know how I feel..>.>